The Reason: by Hoobastank
The year was 2003.
When I first heard this song it sucked me in. I hung on to every word, every sound and emotion. The Reason, by Hoobastank, was released on December 9, 2003. A few weeks previous, there was an accident in my family. The flippant word accident carries so much weight. My cousin Anna died in that accident, on Thanksgiving Day. The day I was born. On the cusp of her sudden & shocking death, I listen to this song I hear on the radio, the chorus dangling hope in my mind…. “I found a reason for me, to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you….”
Losing Anna did not feel real. We were all in a state of shock to say the very least. Hours of phone conversations went by early that morning and we all found ourselves at Thanksgiving, hoping to each provide some kind of mental stability, comfort or words of wisdom. We all arrived humbly lethargic. Everyone’s eyes looked desperate to go back in time and erase what happened. In the days following, it truly felt like a nightmare. Surely I will wake up. It didn’t feel like this was happening to my family. It felt like I was torpedoed back into someone else’s life. A life I didn’t want. I disappeared into my mind, ignoring my duties as a mom, my body going through the motions. I sat listening to music for days, barely being considerate with headphones, shushing and shooing my two boys away from me. I gave them TV, snacks and shallow hugs and kisses, so I could continue to listen, my husband supporting me without question. This is now my research. This is what I must do. I listened to song after song, cd after cd as I searched. There must be something in here. I had to find meaning. The few days of my immaturity passed and I slowly tip toe back into consciousness and reconnect with the living within my home, even though I don’t want to.
The song begins with apologetic remorse… “I’m not a perfect person, there’s many things I wish I didn’t do, but I continue learning, I never meant to do those things to you and so I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know…” I freeze in the car, while I’m driving. I am not prepared for this. There it was, the song almost playing in slow motion just for me. The words wrapping around me like a lyrical blanket, giving me hope. All those days I was searching for answers, searching for the ability to comprehend, searching for any words that would make sense. The Reason washed over my longing and tired mind. I had put myself in my aunt’s shoes many times. I had two children at the time and I couldn’t even imagine what she was living or what she has to now, live with. I put myself in Anna’s shoes, but not for long. I put myself in her friend’s shoes, the driver. The one everyone now hates. But he was her friend. I think about what he must be feeling. What he must now have to live with every day for the rest of his life. The lyrics continue… “I’m sorry that I hurt you, It’s something I must live with everyday, and all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away, and be the one who catches all your tears, that’s why I need you to hear…..” I think to myself, this is her friend’s voice. This is the driver singing to the universe and I am grateful to hear his apology. He is so sorry for what he’s done. He loved Anna. There it was a beautiful & profound, yet simple apology for the world to hear. He wants forgiveness.
How on earth do we forgive? How can my family forgive someone who took Anna’s life? We will always have deep holes in our hearts. I imagine the hole in my aunt’s heart so colossal and all of our hearts empty for years to come. How big is the hole in the driver’s heart I wonder? I imagine his hole, filled with aching responsibility, painful regret and deep seeded remorse. He solidifies his remorse as his apology, in my mind continues…“I’m not a perfect person, I never meant to do those things to you, and so I have to say before I go, that I just want to you to know…” I feel a small sense of closure that this driver will find a million ways to do right, even though a million is not enough. I hope that he will take the lessons from this tragedy and do something for the greater good. I pray he will always strive to be a better person. I was not close to my cousin when she passed which I accept and equally regret. But now, my heart is not empty, now she fills that empty space in my heart with her positive & forever youthful spirit. In my mind, I rest and accept the driver’s alleged apology. I have to believe that Anna forgives him.
The year is now 2015.
I hear the lyrics to the song and I find new meaning. As the song comes to a close, I turn the words inward. “I found a reason for me, to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you…… I found a reason to show, a side of me you didn’t know, a reason for all that I do, and the reason is you.”
In loving memory of my cousin Anna Ray Rivera (right)
August 2, 1984 – November 26, 2003
To donate to the Anna Ray Rivera Memorial Fund please contact Teri Wysor at:
Anna Ray Rivera went to New York in 2003 as a founding City Year New York corps member after serving a year at City Year Boston. After losing Anna, City Year decided with her family, to honor her legacy with the Anna Rivera Spirit Award to recognize an exceptional corps member who uphold Anna’s commitment to City Year and to community service, maintain a positive attitude, and serve with an open heart and an open mind. Currently, City Year continues to honor Anna by giving the Anna Rivera Spirit Award to someone that exhibits that same spirit. For more information about City Year: